One of the most annoying things about the beginning of a new year is the endless summing up of the previous year. Television and print media are littered with “Best of” and “Worst of” lists, “2005: The Year In…” sports, music, movies, politics. Who’s who? Who cheated on their celebrity wives with their celebrity mistresses? Who died? It’s all very annoying, though not because the information itself is stupid or trite, nor because journalists churn out these easy pieces day after day for a month instead of reporting real news stories. No, it’s annoying because it’s all too easy to sum up a year once it has ended. 20/20 hindsight, right? At The Idiot, of course, we don’t go for that crap. We’re going to tell you about the year ahead, not the year past. So here’s a little preview of some of the highlights of 2006:
Top 5 News Stories of 2006
1. Florida man pays $50,000,000 to send his pet bunny into space for a week.
2. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt adopt Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn.
3. America watches in horror as Ed Begley Jr. is acquitted of murder.
4. Climatologists realize too late that the screenwriters of “The Day After Tomorrow” had diligently researched the science behind their film. Canada plunged into second Ice Age.
5. Pennsylvania girl falls into an empty well and is missing for thirteen days. She is finally rescued by a dog that, it turns out, belongs to her long lost father, whom she has not seen in fourteen years. They are reunited on the Today Show.
Top 5 News Stories of 2006 (that failed to make headlines)
1. Wal Mart purchases Target and K-Mart, then merges with Time Warner and Microsoft.
2. Finnish researcher proves that anal sex makes you smarter.
3. E coli outbreak in Michigan kills 40,000 people.
4. Saddam Hussein regains power in Iraq.
5. FDA withdraws its approval of Botox after discovering that it really just means injecting botulism into people’s faces.
In Memoriam – 2006
Dick Cheney, Mike Myers, Oprah Winfrey, Hulk Hogan, Ashlee Simpson, Bill Cosby, Elton John and Billy Joel
Top Grossing Movies of 2006
1. Mel Gibson’s Alcoholics Anonymous ($358 million)
2. Brokeback Mountain 2 ($212 million)
3. Dr. Strangelove ($197 million) – Note: In addition to being a blockbuster, this film will finally earn Eddie Murphy an Academy Award for Best Actor.
Best Selling Books of 2006
1. The Seven Keys to the Ten Rules of the Eight Ways to Make Your Life Suck Less by Douglas O. Bee
2. The Ant Farmer by Martin Amis
3. Kicking A@% and Taking Names by Donald Rumsfeld
Happy New Year from The Idiot!
--Brian Campbell, Editor
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