The Good Life: Ethical Dilemmas Easily Solved

By Commander Joey

Seven years ago, my wife and I adopted an 18-month-old Cambodian boy,   We love him dearly, but the other day he was caught painting racist slogans on our new white neighbor’s house.  Our neighbor then confronted us.  Because we’re both terrified of white people, we panicked and  denied that the boy was our son – stating that, in case he didn’t notice, “we’re black, and that  boy is Asian.”  Our neighbor backed down and apologized.   Now we’re not so sure we did the right thing.  What do you think? 

Mumbutu and Chase Plartsard  – Washington D.C., Minnesota

You adopted a deffective Cambodian! You've paid your dues. Now do as you please.

While on the subway, I noticed an elderly man was struggling to stand, but no one would offer him a seat.  Should I have insisted someone get up and do so?  (I was standing as well.)

Marie Le McMac de Von – Fort Worth, Ontario

Offering someone a seat on the subway is more complicated than you might think.   First, that person may very well be mentally ill, or foreign, and misinterpret your gesture as a challenge:  you’re implying that they are weak and incapable of standing.  They may become violent to prove otherwise.  I know I would.  Another problem is that you risk offending any spindly-leg cripple you condescendingly offer your seat to.   Sure, they may seem to be pleading for a place to rest their useless limbs, but in actuality just clinging desperately to the pole and then falling is a source of pride to them.  Don’t take away their independence. 

Besides the handi-capable, the subway is also overflowing with the elderly, pregnant, obese, exhausted and pathetic.  All these whiners seem to be begging for seats.  Who do you offer your seat to?  Beware, as any choice is loaded with consequences – if you offer your seat to the obese white woman, you may seem racist for neglecting the elderly black man and be assaulted, robbed and possibly raped by the people of color on the train, even if you are a person of color.  The passengers that you find to be selfish and sinful are actually very wise – they realize that it’s best to just disappear into the shadows like all the other faceless, apathetic city dwellers and not act, for doing so may result in an explosion of righteous indignation and violence.  So from now on, keep your fool mouth shut and stare at the floor before someone cuts you.   Good luck. 

At our local gas station, I saw a man rob and pistol whip an elderly woman.  I got a good look at the robber, and wrote down his license plate number, then followed him to his home.   I know the police are looking for this man, as he is a repeat offender, and also suspected of rape, arson, and driving without insurance.  Nevertheless, I know that ratting out someone is wrong, and stool pigeons get what’s coming to them.  Should I call the police and report this man? 

Topher Muhammad -- Biloxi, Pennsylvania

Let me say first that this is a tough one.  I don’t envy you.  There are many things to consider in a case of this complexity.  So let’s break the options down:  first, you could call the police, but does that mean you necessarily have to report this man?  You could simply call the police and ask for basic information.   You’d be better than most in making that call.  And it seems to be a good way to avoid being a low-down fucking rat.  But you have to ask yourself:  What if there’s a cash reward for information?  Well, it would be a sin to pass up an opportunity like that, and that sin would negate your good deed, so obviously you need to report someone.  Of course… then you’d be a rat.  Once again, a dead end… or IS IT?  After much soul searching, I realized that, you could report someone else as the culprit.  Now, this would be lying… unless that person was found to be in possession of the stolen merchandise.  Since you know where the real thief lives, you could wait for him to leave, break in and steal what he has stolen and place it in the home of the man you’ve reported.  Since possession is 9/10ths of the law, you are only 1/10^th a liar and that’s about as good as it gets without being perfect.  I hope this helps you out, and good luck.

I was a low-level Nazi officer in Germany during the war, and in the final days helped smuggle several prominent war criminals to safety in South America.  Lately, one of them has been stealing my morning paper.   He is still technically my superior, and saved me from several Mossad agents by killing them with his concealed knives.  Should I confront him about the paper?

-- Werner Liebensdorfer, Paraguay

Dear TRAITOR, I will kill you if you attempt to retrieve your paper.     

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